We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life
(some of us more than others!) But you may have wondered, "What if God
decided to install voice mail?" Imagine hearing this . . . "
Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following
options:
Press 1 for requests.
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.
If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 1,
for Michael, press 2,
for a directory of other angels, press 3.
If you'd like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you're on hold, press 4.
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, enter his or her social
security number.
For reservations at My Father's House, press the letters J-O-H-N and then 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and
where Noah's ark is located, please wait until you arrive here.
Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and
try again tomorrow.
Dentist's Hymn: "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
Contractor's Hymn: "The Church's One Foundation"
Baker's Hymn: "I Need Thee Every Hour"
Weatherman's Hymn: "There Shall Be Showers of Blessing"
Optometrist's Hymn: "Open My Eyes That I May See"
Tailor's Hymn: "Holy, Holy, Holy"
IRS's Hymn: "All to Thee"
Shopper's Hymn: "By and By"
Golfer's Hymn: "There is a Green Hill Far Away"
Politician's Hymn: "Standing on the Promises"
Gossiper's Hymn "Pass it on"
Electrician's Hymn "Send the Light"
If you must speed on the highway -- Sing these hymns
At 45 MPH... "God Will Take Care of Me"
At 55 MPH... "Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah"
At 65 MPH... "Nearer My God to Thee"
At 75 MPH... "Nearer Still Nearer"
At 85 MPH... "This World is Not My Home"
At 95 MPH... "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
At 100 MPH... "Precious Memories"
Boudreaux Thibodaux had passed on. He was met by saint Peter
at the pearly gates. Peter said, "Boudreaux, you have to answer three
questions before you can enter heaven. Number one: how many apostles were
there?"
"10?", replied Boudreaux.
"Wrong, Boudreaux. Number two: who was the first woman in
the world?"
"Uh, uh, Sarah?"
"Wrong, Boudreaux. Be careful, you only have one more
chance. Take your time and think real hard. Number three: what is God's first
name?"
"Uh, uh ,... Art! Peter, God's name is Art!"
Astonished at Boudreaux's lack of knowledge, Peter asked,
"Boudreaux, how ever did you come up with that answer? I just knew you
wouldn't miss this one."
Boudreaux replied, "Because, Peter, the Bible says 'my
father who "art" in heaven.'
